The roller coaster

This is my second post in a day. I've spent most of today (Sunday) sleeping. When I wasn't sleeping, I was a lump on the couch, surfing Pinterest, eyeballing every delectable food picture and "eating with my eyes". I'm not sure that was the brightest move, considering the dietary guidelines I need to follow right now.

 I feel weak today. My energy is quite low. For breakfast I had a glass of V-8 juice, and later a glass of grape juice, diluted with water. I had miso soup for lunch, and more grape juice in the afternoon. French onion soup (minus the onions) was dinner. And I popped a few ginger chews in the afternoon. I will also admit to caving and eating the York Peppermint Patty that was hiding in the vegetable crisper.

My stomach is bloated and I look like a little tank. It's clear to me that I need to stick to the liquid diet to the best of my ability, and using fresh fruit and veggie juices as much as possible is probably the way to go. So, here's my plan to make tomorrow the best day it can be.

• Make up my mind to change habits. 
• Believe I can do it. 
• Take it one day at a time. 
• Go to bed in a peaceful frame of mind and get enough sleep.
• Meditate for 20 minutes in the morning. 
• Breakfast: fresh juice from the juicer. Carrot, celery and ginger maybe? It's what we have on hand. 
• Get some exercise, even if it's light and easy. (A walk outdoors, or some yoga, maybe). 
• Drink plenty of water. (This one is really not a habit for me, and never has been.)
• Balance my checkbook. It will make me feel better. 

These aren't huge things. But they may have a huge impact on my sense of well-being. I will do it. 

Am I allergic to gluten or dairy?

Is it crazy to pray for a food allergy? "Please, let it just be a simple lactose intolerance".  I'm sure the answer to that is yes. But desperate people are known to do desperate things.

Yesterday I made a minor cheat to the liquid/gluten-free/dairy-free diet I'm supposed to be following. (I was hungry!) And I paid for it. Stomach swelling, gas. It wasn't pretty.

I found myself wondering how my body could react so strongly to .... food. Food! It's a requirement for life. Why is it so dramatically and violently rejecting it?

The ol' gut seems to be a fan of juices and broth soups. It's a challenge to get a full 1200 calories a day though. In 3 months I've dropped from 140 to 120 pounds. My food tracker estimated that if every day is like yesterday's caloric intake (which was high because of my cheat) that I would be down to 115 in 5 weeks. It's 9:20 am and so far I've had an 8 oz glass of V8 vegetable juice and 4 oz of grape juice, for a whopping total of 130 calories.

Vea is freaking out about the weight loss and it's stressing her out to keep watching me shrink.  It's true, I have only one pair of pants that will stay up. None of my bras fit anymore. I do need to invest in some proper clothes, but it seems like a waste of money to spend too much, when I don't know what size I'll be wearing once we get this figured out.

Which leads to today's mission.... shopping. Not my favorite sport, but necessary nonetheless. If only I had the energy and the $$ to really go nuts.  Wish me luck, I think I'll need it.

Appreciating the Little Things

It's Saturday, September 22, 2012. 8:32 am. Nothing particularly noteworthy about this day. Meaning, it's not a birthday or anniversary or any other meaningful date. And yet, I want to make sure and LOVE THIS DAY!!!!

Why? Well, it's so important to be focused on the positive in life. To not take the little things for granted. Like the birds I hear chirping outside my window. They're talking to each other. I wish I knew what they were saying. :) I know, a lot of people are too focused on the bigger things in life to EVER notice a birdsong happening right outside their window. So, does this mean I should be grateful?

I think it does. Gratitude comes when you least expect it. At least for me. I've been writing a lot about my challenges with Crohn's disease lately. And, even though I don't feel as physically good as I wish I did, and I don't have answers and solutions in this very moment, I'm grateful! 

• I'm grateful for the fact that I woke up this morning in my own bed, not a hospital bed.
• I'm grateful for the incredible love and support and empathy and understanding Hawea wraps me in. She makes jokes to lighten the mood. She deals with the unpleasant aspects of this condition usually without complaint. She's protective of me. She loves me not only through her heart, but through her actions. I can't find the words to describe how deeply loved I am. 
• I'm grateful to be able to buy what I need at the grocery store. So it's a liquid diet for a couple of weeks at least. But guess what? There are a ton of tasty juices and soups available, and at least I can have those!!! I was reading a book last night called "The Man Who Couldn't Eat". He had severe complications from Crohn's and couldn't consume anything orally for 3 months. I can identify with so much of his experience on a very small scale. And I am SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO GRATEFUL that my challenges have been managed this well. I am grateful for my soup, for smoothies. For being able to drink a glass of juice. To sip a cup of water. It's the little things in life we take for granted. 



Tasty (ugly)  nutritious breakfast

• Thank you, body, for being my friend this morning! For deciding to go to the bathroom first thing, and for my tummy feeling flat and normal. This is one of the best feelings ever. I love the "absence of gas" feeling and it seems that I feel it more and more often. 
• It's great to have cool iphone apps to track symptoms. Technology is awesome, isn't it? 
• And, lest I give the impression that I only think about myself, I'm thankful for the amazing, strong, compassionate people in my life, in my world. Thankful for their care and consideration. For their love. I know that there are opportunities, every day, to come out of myself and see what I can do to love them back. To support them. To acknowledge their challenges and celebrate their victories. We all have our burdens. Crohn's may be less relatable than the single mom raising a child with behavior issues, or the morbidly obsese person's struggle to lose over 100 pounds,  but that doesn't make my struggle more or less important than yours. I think I needed that perspective check this morning. 
• Thankful I have ways to manage fear and panic, and that I'm remembering to do so. Writing is one of those ways. The fear comes from feeling out of control, and lack of faith and trust in my body to do what it needs to do. Again, feeling out of control is a common feeling, people in various situations experience it. It's not exclusive to people with IBD. Lack of faith and trust are things I CAN control, if I choose to. I'm working on it. 
• Thankful for so many many blessings, including my work - a light schedule that I can keep up with even when I'm not feeling well. For the fact that I love the people I work with. They are kind and good. For being able to do good work. 
• And... the upcoming mainland trip! This is a good one. A chance to visit my Iowa and Illinois family whom I haven't seen in four years. A chance to celebrate Nikki and TJ and their family. To reconnect with old friends. And to spread the love. :) 

A grateful person trusts enough to give life another chance, to stay open for

surprises. ~ Brother David Steindal-Rast

Liquid meals

Yesterday was the doctor appointment. To summarize the outcome, I was referred to a GI specialist for an endoscopy and advised to go on a gluten free, dairy free, liquid diet in the meantime. Other recommendations are to eat small, frequent meals, drink A LOT of water through a straw, and to remain in an upright position for at least 3 hours after my last meal.

You might be wondering, "what exactly can you eat?"I was sure asking that question. After a moment of shock, I settled into the idea of better nutrition. After all, when you can't eat solid food, the junk food monster addiction is suddenly tamed. Gone are the candy bars, and the impulsive trips to the drive through window.

I'm telling myself that this is largely a matter of attitude, and that it's a great opportunity to take good care of myself. It's NOT a bad thing to have to restrict toxins from entering one's body. Additionally, I'd MUCH rather drink healthy liquid concoctions from the comfort of my home, versus the confinement of a hospital bed!

For breakfast this morning I made a smoothie out of almond milk, peanut butter, a frozen banana, a scoop of protein powder and a bit of honey. I split it into two separate servings, to fulfill the "small frequent meals" requirement.  It was pretty darned delicious and I was stoked - until I realized that the protein powder contained dairy. :( Fail!

For lunch, yet another serving of the SCD Chicken soup. (Basically chicken broth with pureed carrots mixed it.) It's not bad. In fact, for what it is, it's tasty enough. I'm ready to move on to a new flavor though. My stomach has been gurgling LOUDLY.

My plan for the evening is a garlic ginger soup, heavy on the tastiness. :)

Soup, grape juice and ginger chews.

So, yesterday morning after the great puke-fest of 2012, V's mission was getting me a doctor appointment ASAP.  I couldn't get through on the phone, so we made a trip down to the office, only to find it closed. Not to be deterred, we left and ran some errands and came back. They were still closed, but Dr. Stef was there - popped his head out when he heard another patient pulling on the locked door. 

We caught his eye and he came out to chat. We gave him the skinny, and gave me an appointment for the next day (today) at 11. I'm so thankful! It's definitely an unusual way to set an appointment but I feel hopeful that I'll be getting some help. 

For the rest of the day, I pretty much avoided solid food. I was so hungry and truly considered getting a burger from Burger King and eating only the meat patty. Thankfully, I ran out of time and didn't do it. I'm pretty sure my digestive tract is thanking me for skipping it. V made me a pot of SCD Chicken Soup (from the Specific Carbohydrate Diet). It's basically a bunch of chicken simmered in water with carrots, celery, onions and parsley. Then all the veggies are strained out. The carrots were then pureed and added back into the broth. For it being a plain soup, it was honestly pretty good, and I was a fan of the pretty orange color. The only thing was I felt so hungry and wanted to keep eating. 

Yesterday's calorie total was approximately 600, between the diluted grape juice, chicken soup and ginger chews I ate. Which explains why I am ONE HUNGRY MAMA today! 

Heading to the doctor in a little over an hour. Will update soon. 

A gross post

Oh. My. Word. I am so tired. So much for the diet that seemed to be working. Last night I came home with a puffy, distended stomach and major nausea. The kind of nausea that requires a quiet, dark room.

To make a long story short, I'll jump to the end. Me, puking my guts out into an empty kitty litter bucket which V had so thoughtfully placed by the side of the bed. She, so revolted by my puking, that her gag reflex kicked in. The two of us, then, in the bathroom, side by side, throwing up. Her into the toilet, me into the bucket. It was disgusting. Gross. And completely absurd.

After that, I could tolerate small amounts of light and noise. I was able to sleep.

This morning, I'm weak and exhausted. Hungry but scared to eat. We went by the doctor's office and made an appointment for tomorrow. In the meantime, I'll be sticking to chicken broth and water.

And, never, have I really wanted a true meal more than I want one right now. V's words of encouragement, "Maybe by next week, you can have a real meal."

Sigh. I hope so.

A loner Crohn'ser?

Man. When I decided to start writing about what it's like to live with Crohn's Disease, I didn't realize how truly exposing that could be.  Of course my family and close friends know a bit more of the details, but only V really knows what it's like, as she sees the daily ups and downs.

I do my best to move through life without letting this condition have a hold on me. I don't want to be someone defined by illness. In fact, it's very important to me to be defined by wellness. And this, I suppose, is why I'm writing about it now. 

I think it's important to finally face that it is what it is. No more, no less. It's something I'm still learning how to manage and deal with. I can be proud of myself for that. 

It's crazy, but I don't think I've ever (knowingly) met another person living with Crohn's. How, in the course of 14 years, is that possible? As they say, like attracts like. Maybe I subconsciously avoided any such connections because I refused to identify as unwell. I didn't want to meet anyone with this condition. I didn't want to be able to relate about painful, embarrassing things.  But the truth is, it's a little lonely. Like I said, V knows as much as another person can know, by observing, what it's like when I'm having a flare. But watching someone ride a roller coaster is different than being strapped into the seat. 

Enough on the psychological aspects for one day. On to the physical. I feel pretty good! Digestive function seems to be working. If I'm going to be honest, it wasn't the best digestive day ever, but I'll spare anyone from reading the details. No exercise, no peppermint oil capsules, but plenty of water. 

Food: I'm trying to really truly eat for better health. It's a challenge in our society, which has come to prize "food" that is mean to our insides. One day at a time, right? All things are possible, one step at a time. 

Today's breakfast (above). Dry curd cottage cheese (also known as Farmers Cheese) which has probiotics in it. Drizzled with a bit of honey. 2 eggs, topped with colby jack cheese and sriracha hot chili sauce. 

I may begin posting more meal pictures, if it's not a giant pain in the ass. Might help me become more aware of the relationship between what I'm eating and how I'm feeling. 

On that note, I'm off..... there's a beautiful day waiting to be lived. 

In gratitude, 

XO.