Finding My Way

On the surface, I've been optimistic about my health. You might say I've been wearing rose colored glasses. Convincing myself that "it's getting better" any time I'm able to eat something without having dire consequences. 

But delve a little deeper and you'll see that I've been panicking a bit. Stressing a lot. Scared and angry. Pissed off about my body rejecting food, and to add insult to injury, it's a rude, painful process. (Lots of gas, people). And bloating. But when I say bloating, I don't mean the "gee, I feel a little pudgy today" kind. What I'm actually referring to is a stomach distended as far (actually, further) than I ever thought humanly possible. Hard as a rock. Looking 9 months pregnant and due to deliver any moment. All from trying to eat a meal. 

And maybe the most powerful emotion of all (and the hardest one to admit) .... shame. At being broken. At having a defective body that attacks me when I'm doing my best to keep it happy and healthy. It's a lonely feeling and something that no one in my daily or personal life can relate to. 

People are well meaning. I'm given lots of suggestions, ideas and opinions - very few of which have any basis in research. There's the implication - at times - that I must be doing something wrong. That my illness is my fault. The "what are you eating?" question delivered in a well intentioned, but accusatory tone, is the one that gets to me most. Duh. Do you not think I've been trying to eat well? Yeaaaaah. After weeks, (to be honest, months now) of not feeling quite right, my patience, tolerance and positive attitude is being tested. 

It's a test I want to pass. I don't want to be a grouchy sick person who feels helpless. I want to be strong, healthy and whole. I want to educate myself as much as I can - knowledge is power, right? - without identifying as a sick, helpless person. 

There has to be a healthy balance. I know it's there. And I'm just not seeing it. I believe it will get clearer and clearer... just as I believe that with every day, I will be feeling stronger and better. 

With that said, here are my updates for the day: 

Slept well last night (VICTORY!!!) 

Able to eat breakfast (2 hard boiled eggs)

Found dry curd cottage cheese at Island Naturals and had it for lunch 

Enjoyed natural peanut butter with celery sticks for an afternoon snack

Ate dinner - chicken thigh and mashed cauliflower. 

My challenge for the day: 

I had a bit of mental fog - and struggled to concentrate at work until I was able to eat my eggs. 

Ummm... maybe too many eggs in the past 48 hours? Repeated trips to the bathroom this afternoon. Not fun to share publicly, but a reality, nonetheless. 

Realized how much I want a new job opportunity (not Crohn's related though, so yay!) 

My food choices were loosely informed by the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, though I need to do the Intro Phase if I'm REALLY going to stick to it. I picked up enteric coated peppermint capsules, which are supposed to soothe the intestines as well. I hear lots of gurgling and there's definitely activity in there, but I think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight. It's progress.